My dearest "unfound" love

My dearest "unfound" love,

Hi! We haven't really ever met and I doubt if you know of my existence. Well, I do exist, just so you know. I know, I don't talk a lot with you or about you, for that matter. Or perhaps, I indeed have talked about you to random people I keep blurting things to – it's just so hard for me to keep a track of these things nowadays.

I know, I don't look like someone to talk about you, but I'm a human too somewhere, right? I too am allowed to yearn for you, right? 'Cz even if I'm not, I do. I'm yearning for you at this very moment that I write this. 'Cz it doesn't matter how far I try to run away from you, avoid talking about you, or shut myself down, but I can really not do anything about this very specific, yet ambiguous feeling. This lingering sort of pain and sadness that attacks me at most random moments of the day.

One moment I'm laughing aloud, chirpy as a bird they say – rarely does it happen though, agreed – and the very next moment, I'm lost. I'm lost, as I begin to drown in an emptiness that pulls me down harder, with each passing moment, with each new attack.

"What's wrong?" they ask, as I just let the numbness take hold of me, maybe... maybe I like it. Maybe I'm just way too comfortable with it... But I do have to explain this sudden change, right? I do have to explain this to the very limited group of people who give a damn about me! But what should I tell them? How can I explain to them something, that I'm looking for an explanation of, myself?

The more I try to look for an explanation, the more lost I find myself. And then I just hope the chaos wouldn't last and will eventually be over for good, pretty soon, like it always does. But today... today is different. Today I've decided to talk to you, maybe find an answer, maybe get an explanation, maybe cry when nobody would notice.

So yes, I yearn for you. I really do, just like normal people do. I too am dying to have someone who brings you with her. Someone, I can ask for a walk late at night, alone, without a second thought and be sure to not be let down. And as I walk with her, I'd feel this emptiness wash away slowly, with the cold winds and her existence soothing me down in a way nothing ever could, as the silence of the sky above us, would speak for both of us. And as she'd look at me in that dark night, I'd just know I don't have much to ask for now, for I would've gotten what Chandler would call – Perfection. Yes, someone who brings you, my "unfound" love with her, would be perfection!

I'm dying to meet that someone, who has that blessed "touch" which, when brushes against my forearm, will transport me to a different world altogether. I have felt that touch before, only this time I'd be sure that it's for me, and me alone. That she's as much mine, as I'm hers. That she's someone who'd hug me tight when I don't even know I needed a hug, and will do wonders, just by being there. That she wouldn't judge me when I cry my heart out or try to stop me, but just let it be. Who'd embrace me in a way I never knew was possible and just surprise me.

Yes, I'm yearning for someone who'd miss me as much as I'd miss her, if we don't see each other for a while. And someone, who wouldn't shy away from accepting that she missed me, and maybe would own up to that feeling like a queen, for she'd indeed be the queen, my queen!

Someone, who'd get jealous if she sees me around with any other girl, perhaps get mad too. Someone who'd be as insecure of losing me, as I'd be of losing her. And someone who'd be willing to bear with my demons as I'm willing to embrace hers and as I struggle to be worthy of her. It'd be a real difficult ride, I know, but it'd be worth it, cz you'd be there to take care of everything. To hold us both, if we struggle at times –for we surely will– 'cz you, my "unfound" love, have the magical powers to heal wounds that people don't even know exist.

I know it's asking for a lot, and maybe you don't even exist anymore, maybe you never did, ever. But I wish you'd come to me someday, somewhere, reading my thoughts and bringing with you a person who'd accept me for my flaws.

Yet, I do secretly hope that you don't. I hope you never come, I hope you never cross paths with me. 'Cz even if you do, I'm sure it'd be just momentarily, and it too would pass. 'Cz I sure have a way of messing up the good things and I'll mess you up too – I'm sure. And then, I'd have nothing but my broken self and bloated memories of what I thought you "were". So please never come along, 'cz at least right now, I can think of you to be the way I want, not what you'd actually turn out to be...

Lost in looking for "you",

Tanha