Of marriages, fines, and pellet guns!

Are you having a bad day? Perhaps, something terrible happened? In all probability, I’m sure someone said something on the lines of “guess what? People have had worse, so take that!”. But you can relax on that front, because I’m not going to do any of that. Life sucks if it sucks, right? Can’t do anything about that now, can we? But what we can do is maybe laugh a little.

So here is a recap of some funniest things that happened this entire week, and we’ll begin with marriages. Well, you may be sad, brooding, and deep in a mess, but the worst case is if you’re alone! Maybe you just had a break-up, maybe you’ve been single and alone all your life, or maybe, just maybe, you just got fucked over by a fuckboy! What do your parents do then? Well, get you married, as simple as that, duh! ‘cz why be sad and miserable alone when you can be just as sad and miserable with someone else!

If anything, that’s the essence of Indian culture in a nutshell when marriages are concerned. And so, when Punjab National Bank was feeling all alone, sad, and desperate, after getting screwed over by a certain fuckboy called Nirav Modi (well, everyone in this country is getting screwed by some or the other Modi obviously, it’s more about your taste), what do you think its parents – the RBI and GOI did? Right! Marriage proposals! So, a host partners (two banks really) were lined up for PNB to get hitched to in an ode to the historic rituals of polygamy.

PNB weds Oriental Bank & United Bank

But what do they say about matching 36 qualities against horoscopes, to find a perfect match for you here? Right! So, therein enters the Oriental Bank of Commerce! So, our dear Oriental goes to mummy and daddy (or mumma-in-law and daddy-in-law, this shit’s really screwed man!) the RBI and GOI and says, “So, since we’re getting married anyhow. Well, I have a confession. Nirav Modi screwed me too!”

What?!

Yeah, Oriental Bank of Commerce came clean on about ₹289 crore loan default exposure to Nirav Modi and Co, in the wake of wedding preparations. Awww!! And here we thought, that PNB was the only one! Isn’t this the one true match made in heaven? Just perfect for each other!! (Blush, blush!) Let’s wish them both a happy married life and root for their compatibility with each other! Hopefully, they’d decide to have DINK lifestyle and do not bless us with any more screwed up babies!

An Ideal match, no?

Alright, moving on to the next bit of news. While PNB and Oriental Bank may have a happy honeymoon, a lot of the young couples may just end up with cancelled honeymoon plans just because they spent a chunk of their honeymoon budget on traffic challans! Just kidding, that budget was exhausted on the GST already, duh! But seriously, with the stringent traffic laws coming into action in India, ranging from anywhere between ₹500 to as much as about ₹1,00,000 (that’s higher than my annual income by the way, because unemployed!), traffic violations now, are sure going to be a fun show now!

New traffic rules!

Guess, your kidneys don’t just buy you an iPhone anymore, perhaps traffic challans too! And who knows, this could end up as the new Diwali bonus for the mama signing your challan, huh? Acche din! So, go ahead, get your swagger on, and engage in drunk & rash driving, because life’s anyhow not a priority here, but at least it will get you the honour of being the number one priority in your neighbour Auntie’s daily bulletin.

Oh, talk about neighbours and how can we not remember our cute little wretch of a neighbour! So, peeping TOM from across the border, had its tiny little minion called Abdul Basit, (ex-Pal envoy) peep into Kashmir because that’s what neighbours are for, right? To see, what all is wrong in our home, while their own kids cry foul of hunger, no? (Feed that baby some milk damn it! Oh, I’m sorry. Borrow some milk to feed that baby!)

So, the ever omniscient Mr. Basit happened to find a terribly injured Kashmiri, under the tyranny of INDIAN ARMY’s pellet guns fires and re-tweeted a post, creating awareness about the same. Bloody India, so inhuman of them! Except, that the picture that he bought for an injured Kashmiri, injured by INDIAN ARMY, was in reality a picture of our beloved Johnny Sins, injured by, we have a fair idea, by what! (He’s more likely to injure some of that, no?)

The new Stand-up comedy!

Well, Twitter being the generous place that it is, did all it could to pray for the life of this poor man and our neighbour once again managed to make a fool of itself, successfully!

“इतना दिमाग कहां से लाते हो भाई?”

“जी, जिनाब, बंटवारे में मिला है!”

Applauds!! What more, even Johnny Sins replied to this guy, thanking him for increased followers on Twitter! Hail twitter!

Johnny Sins ravaging some...

No seriously, with all due respect to our beloved INDIAN ARMY and the security forces, they can relax. PAKISTAN has enough of Abdul Basits to take care of it, we don’t really need to worry here! One shouldn’t really be surprised if it were to come to a point, wherein PAKISTAN ceases to be nation but is declared World Heritage site in “Memes” category section of UNESCO!

So, while, that was me for today, I’ll hopefully be back the next week with my own analysis of the week gone by. Till then, do whatever you want, YOLO!